Normally, I leave everything til the last minute possible. For once..I’m actually trying to stay on top of it.

I got an A- for my presentation. yup. I so did. maybe this whole honours thing is really letting me spread my wings, away from all the annoying talkative people in my old history and english classes, and actually forcing me to think myself, be put on the spot and say the things I actually think.

Now dont get me wrong, this is pretty scary. But its good. I’m really enjoying being part of a collective, a smaller group of actual academics…and I’m actually thinking bout doing a masters topic. which is really scary…but scary in different ways. Actually having a research topic idea…now that i can work on all year next year…as I’m still planning on doing teaching next year…thats if they want me.

I love my class. All my classes. Maybe thats why I’m enjoying it so much, coz I’m actually really passionate about what I’m learning.

It does scare me a little though. Like when I went back to my old school, and these kids asked me this really random out-of the blue question…expecting it to be answered… sure. I’m the academic now, so surely I have a whole heap of answers…

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Maybe not so much. But it’s ok…coz… well. I love it, though I’m scared coz people will think I’m qualified, and to be honest, I dont feel qualified to do anything other than learn. Which is what life is essentially…just lots of learning.

I was blown away by a new singer my friend got me into… India Arie. I wish I knew about her when I was younger. Seriously, anyone who reads this…go find her. she is amazing. and to all the girls who read this…listen to He Heals Me. Though this applies to the guys aswell, to see the kind of guy they should aspire to be.

We all need more actual gorgeous, caring loving strong men in this world….im sick of weak, arsehole-y idiotic creepy boys pretending or trying to be men. seriously. go home to ur mums u mummy-boys. my god! I will not be a mum to you. No- I wont. I will only ever be a mum to my own kids when I have them, and to the kids I will most likely end up looking after…

I’m excited about being an aunty. Thats the reason I’m going down to dads. to check out my sis and see if shes ok. dont really know what else to do than awhi her and make her feel okay and supported.

Sorting things out with the family at the moment…lots of things on…but I actually have time for them for once…and its good. I’m happy.

And. just another stab at stupid people. Is that house I lived in and the people who lived in it after me constantly going to be a magnet for all my seconds? seriously?

My nana has a new word for him. The sponge. haha. adds to all the other names: the thing, idiot, dumbarse, who i used to call hun-bun, huni, love, babe etc etc etc. my god. I cant imagine saying that to anyone else ever again.

I’m glad he came in and out of my life. Yes I loved him, but…I’m now passed that, though I do still talk about it alot, which is understandable after everythng he put me through and everything we went through together…

I can move on, and realise that without him, I have more money, more time for my friends and family, and most importatanly more time for myself, and i realise that I must put myself first, accept who I am and be independent for the moment…

Because until I’m an actual mum, I shouldnt have any proper dependants. Though alot of people depend on me, I’m not wholly responsible for them.

I wish I hadnt treated him like a child or an animal..lol. at least something to look after, groom and watch over, and worry about.

Seeing him the other day freaked me out considerably but its ok because I’m stronger for it. And I know now how stupid he can be and how stupid he is and was, and that I really am not interested anymore

Sure, I’ll always care about him and have feelings for him. He was my first love. How can I not? so yeah

I’ll stop there before it gets into a big emotional rant. xoxoxox. haha. thats at least something I can do now now that I’m not with him. Yay me.

Ps. though I do miss his mum a little, and worry bout her a bit sometimes. hmmm. thoughts to ponder