Tag Archives: realizations

New Barriers can be Broken down too…

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I have just learnt…

That no matter how safe you make yourself, you can always get hurt…much more hurt by and from the ones you love and who care for you and looked after you during the…probably…worst time in your life.

I will not succumb. I will not let this hurt me. I am strong.

But it hurts, not quite a punch in the gut…but..it hurts.

its sly, betrayal. it hurts more because you dont expect it. you’d never expect it from someone who has that exact thing happen to them so often.

but, I am also realising, that those people who you would never expect it from are more likely to do so.

Simply put, you can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to push myself away from everyone…but, I tried so hard so far to build trust in people again. maybe thats the problem, I shouldnt expect anything better from anyone, because as it is, people don’t prove or at least haven’t proved to me in the past that they can do better and are better. All that I have ever recieved from anyone is betrayal, actions which caused me to be jealous, malicious lies, abusive words and physical abuse, sly horrible decietfulness… among other….bull.

No-one has ever shown me that there is truthfulness, honesty and true care and love and friendship in the world… sure, everyone makes mistakes, thats an excuse in itself. maybe im not the best person myself…but at least I always try my damned hardest to be honest and truthful and well…myself. I try not to be deceitful…

Every time I get close to being happy, and everything being perfect…or at least really good…something bad happens which makes me feel like tearing it all down and starting again.

Its that horrible feeling when you know that all that has been before, means nothing. and whether you forgive that person or not… you have to start from the beginning again

this time tho. i dont know. im so sick of being told things are going to happen and then they change. im not going to be nice anymore…no-one ever repays the favour. and if they do well… i dont know..it just doesnt feel the same

maybe its best if I am on my own. seeing those couples made me sick tonight, because I know that’s how we used to be..hugging and touching and being close. and after all is said and done, what does it matter…eventually you’re back on your own again…one step after the other…being yourself, living your own life.. i dont want to give up on people and on love…but seriously…got so much more out of talking and patting that cat last night..

i dont want to be destined to be alone..i want to be loved, i want to be happy..of course I do…that used to be the only thing i wanted…then i realised to be happy i just had to be happy…by being happy.

and as it is, im ok with not having anyone. I would love to have kids. I really would. I want so much to be able to be a mum, but for now being an aunty is ok…

she is the only one who has ever talked to me about talking to someone about me, as in…ive got a mate u might like…etc. shes a good girl. shes strong. shes funny and i trust her, though i ont want to trust her because I dont want to get hurt. and getting hurt hurts :(

for now, I have work to do…lots of reading…im gonna be strong and happy…and alone for now, because love will find me, one way or another, in time…i must have faith in that at least.

allie xxoxoxx

I have a degree..woah.

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so I finally realised today, that I have a degree. not quite in my hands, but I have graduation next month. this is scary,

  1. because that means people will think im a real “qualified” historian/english academic now
  2. I’ll have to do something with it
  3. It’s taken a lot to get me here
  4. I’m proud of myself
  5. My family is proud of me
  6. I will be able to give back to the community and to my whanau and my iwi

Its important that I’ve realised. because now that I have, I can look forward to the future

a few things to remember from the maori graduates conference from the past two days, (which was amazing by the way! we have some real talent at waikato uni)

  • you will never be clever. you will only ever be a learner all your life
  • once your mind has been stretched it cant go back to being ignorant and small again
  • pro-vice maori office are freaking mean organisers
  • everyone needs to have a vision of what they want for their work, life and their whanau and then the world
  • everyone needs to try to the best of their ability
  • everyone needs to give back.

I’m more passionate about studying now. i wish I’d been allowed to go to those things when I was an under-grad.

I’m growing up. times are changing, some things stay the same, but ultimately, things are good and things are going really well.

 

oh and ambers party went off and we had ANOTHER wicked time in town…perhaps i shouldnt have mixed so much of those wines. but thats the first time since i started drinking again that i had a yuck feeling, just from being sick a little. but thats my own fault, no-one elses really.

and made a good some up today walking home… its got lots of …and you! … and… and i said… and i say…. things like that :) hehe

 

allie xoxox

I am thankful….

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of him for giving me the love of Quentin Tarantino movies…and showing me his directing styles and getting me excited about tarantino’s brilliance

to him because he got me back into records, and made me more appreciative of how simply awesome they are

to him showing me new music

to him because he opened my eyes(and tastebuds) to different foods

because he helped me open my eyes up to different people and to deal with them properly and with more tolerance

of him because he helped me realise it was ok to be sad when I’m sad…and that it wasnt my fault grandad died

that he was my first love… because even with all the terrible shit he did…he could only have been the person to do so… he was my yang to my ying… my own… my other half to every bad thing and every good thing I or he did.

that I am at this place now. Finally.

It hurt alot. ALOT. and I’m not going to forget what happened. like I said in my last post about ‘the thing’…. well anyway…I said to my friends last night about how stupid the Ant Hater is for thinking I could ever get over ‘the thing’… because of all the reasons I’ve mentioned up above and more that I havent said, How could I really get over him? He was my first true love. And I can never forget the memories…good or bad because theyre there for a reason…and its important to remember because they were special and or traumatic at the time, and they need to be remembered because how else am I meant to move on, live my life and learn from living through all of those experiences? hmm?

I would like to say this is going to be one of the last posts where I talk about him…but its just not that easy or possible to do so.

So as it rains down … on the tin roof…on my car outside… on the garage roof and fence next door… I’m happy because this is a step forward.

Moving on takes freaking guts. and this is what I’m doing…because I couldnt, cant and wont go back to all of that. Nope. I’m happy where I am…as long as the leak in my roof in my room doesnt start dripping down on me again. :)

Allie

oh. but I would just like to say that hes an idiot for not going with his mum to the tangi and for not spending any time with her while she was up. ffs. I would have gone with her. shes in pretty much every way possible (coz we were pretty much married in everything that happened and went on) my mother-in-law…and despite all our junk, she was a nice lady and liked me. and cared bout me in her way and we looked after her. so yeah. hes an idiot. its nice to see though that I’m no longer going to be looked at for being the one making him do that…. haha. so thats kinda funny. :)

Workload

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Normally, I leave everything til the last minute possible. For once..I’m actually trying to stay on top of it.

I got an A- for my presentation. yup. I so did. maybe this whole honours thing is really letting me spread my wings, away from all the annoying talkative people in my old history and english classes, and actually forcing me to think myself, be put on the spot and say the things I actually think.

Now dont get me wrong, this is pretty scary. But its good. I’m really enjoying being part of a collective, a smaller group of actual academics…and I’m actually thinking bout doing a masters topic. which is really scary…but scary in different ways. Actually having a research topic idea…now that i can work on all year next year…as I’m still planning on doing teaching next year…thats if they want me.

I love my class. All my classes. Maybe thats why I’m enjoying it so much, coz I’m actually really passionate about what I’m learning.

It does scare me a little though. Like when I went back to my old school, and these kids asked me this really random out-of the blue question…expecting it to be answered… sure. I’m the academic now, so surely I have a whole heap of answers…

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Karma and Murphy’s Law

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I think I like Karma alot. coz, in theory I’m a good person, I have good morals and thoughts about how I do things, and well. to tell the truth, I’ve done some shit things in my time, but I’ve had plenty of shit things done to me of late. I’m not sure whether its been karma…but on the other hand, maybe theyre just things I needed to go through to know and learn about myself and the world.

Its quite sad really. but. now that I’m single, and looking more gorgeous every day I must add ;) I look at dudes and wonder how much shit I went through. Like seriously. I would never wish that on anyone. Well. no. I wouldnt. because its just…it sucks to the extreme.

If I think a guy is hot, gorgeous or beautiful, damnit I’m gonna say so. If im interested in someone, most of the time theyre not interested, or they just dont know…lol more than likely theyve got no clue, which works good, coz I’m going off of Kelly’s wonderful plan of having crushes.

Only problem is when they are too close, ie, workmates, flatmates, bestmates, colleagues…hmm. and so yeah. kinda sucks. but its ok. coz its not like I’m looking for anything. In fact the idea of being with anyone scares the shit out of me! haha. Mainly because I put so much effort into the last relationship. four monthsish later, and I’m still healing. I’m gonna have some pretty heavy scars. but. As I said, Karma put it this way I think. You learn what you need to.

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So It Seems Like I Actually Have Something To Say…

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I ummed and arhhed and well… to be perfectly honest, I just cant stop myself from saying this, which means it truly must be said.

one day, when I’m much older, I may regret being so open about all of this, but if I hadnt have been open in the past, I would have been much more screwed up than I am now. So there.

But for freaks sake. If anyone comes to me like his damned sister and says, well, you took him back, it must not have been that bad. well. you know what? it bloody well was. and at the time I may had needed to forgive him…or thought that I had…but no… I havent. not really. He will always be reaping the consequences of what he did to me that night. and I hate… yeah…I guess. hates strong, but it works for right now…damnit I cared so much about them both, and now I despise both of them to their uttermost core of their entire existence. They are worth less than me than the most sludgyness of sludge under the dirt under my shoes. I would spit on them. I’m not normally a horrible person, but combined, and apart, they both do an incredibly unkind service to me, and if I was in shakespearean times, I would SO bite my thumb at them.

They’re not worth it. I’m better than them, better than that, not going to fall back into that damn trap!

I’m moving on, finding my way. and you know what? I’ve neve been happier. not ever did he ever make me an ounce of happy as I am now without him. and no way in hell do you need to put so much effort into being friends. it should come naturally…and if it doesnt, wel it was never meant to be. ever. i wish them both exactly what they wished for themselves, just as I am going to be happy. with the knowledge that I am now able to make my own self happy and I’m glad. its a good step.

Screw them both. they deserve whats coming to them. Karma. shes a good friend of mine. theyre gonna have fun with her.

 

allie. xoxoxox

Identity Crisis

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I’ve always seen myself as me. A girl who was brought up with knowing about her heritage and her whakapapa. I’m of maori anf french descent, and consider myself as being a strong and straight up person about who I am.

I am now realizing that people judge me the minute they meet me. It sucks, but this is what they do.

I had initial worries about this when I was considering whether or not I was going to do oral histories, mainly of maori people. Theres a whole lot of ethical and moral issues about this that I wont go into right now about this, which led me to the decision that I am who I am, and people will judge me no matter who I try to percieve myself as being.

I get that. Well, I thought I did.

At the moment, I’m a kaiawhina as I study at Uni. I love my uni. Not many univeristies have maori signposts under the english ones around I’m told. To me, thats just something normal and expected. I expect the bi-multi0lingual status we have here at Waikato. It’s refreshing, and its how things are done.

As a kaiawhina, I help out maori students who are enrolled in history and english papers that I’ve taken myself, throughout my degree.

Now that I’m finished my degree YAY! I am able to focus on my honours and graduate level papers, which I’m enjoying immensely.

But back to being a kaiawhina. As a kaiawhina, each and every new semester I have to go into peoples classes and introduce myself. Over the semester I email, and ring them all up to let them know about upcoming assignments, events we are planning and just to see how theyre doing throughout the semester.

Its like the second or third week in to semester already…I think. and already I’ve been in to most of the classes I’m going to be taking care of this semester.

Instantly, when I walk in…I’m being judged. Heres some girl. Whys she here? Whats kaupapa mean? why is she singling out maori students? shes a pakeha chick etc etc etc.

Now heres my dilemma. I have some scripted things I have to say when I go into these classes, like how we are primarily here to help maori students and so therefore it makes sense that I only have the maori students email addresses.

Alot of the people who see and judge me want to know where I’m coming from. Who I am etc.

I just want to help students. I love and am very passionate about history and english, and just want students to get the most out of their degree. If I can help in some way, then all the better aye!

I obviously will help any student who needs my help. They just have to come up to my office! when I’m in haha :) but its not hard to flick me an email or something.

 

anyways. thats my rant for now.  I’m just a pakeha looking girl with a big ole hearty maori heart :) and it sucks when people look down at me for any reason. so damn hard to be accepted for who I am and for I want to be seen as being :)

Wasting Time When I Have Better Things to Do OR Should Be Doing Something More Creative or Worth Something!

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So. The title may not mean much, but it actually does. This is a really long post. Feel free to read on. It’s mostly about money and flatting and uni and my last two years. Hmmm. It is actually slightly insightful haha :) if anyone needs to know how to live off 20 cents, they should read this :)

Allie xoxox

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Moving On.

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So, I was going to start this whole post off with my plans for tomorrow. But, as it turns out, I started reading majulahsingapura’s blog and it was pretty awesome. So, I commented, and we shall see what she decides to do.

Reading it though..and after I made my comment, gave me some sort of new breath, or new idea, or new something. new life maybe? I’m moving on. I’m going to be happy, this much I know already. So far, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was coping with everything quite well to be honest. and then. somehow. after the dramas of this weekend. feel “pretty darn hard done by” and I want to make amends. I want to grow old with my favourite people. I want to live my life the way I want to live it, and for once do it my way.

I will no longer put up with people “shitting on me” as mum says, which she means not to let people walk over you or treat you badly… and to be honest. its about time I stood up for myself… after telling majulahsingapura to do it. well. I should do it myself.

No more worrying about things that happened in the past. It cant hurt me anymore. It can only hurt me if I let it. And I really dont wanna feel that pain anymore. It hurts too much. I want to live stress-free, something which I feel I am going to be constantly in and out of battles with. It doesnt seem that easy.

I want to have my own house, be my own landlord. I’m sick of this shitty landlord. This is the first time I’ve ever really had a bad one. I’ve had really good ones, concerned ones, ones who dont care and just leave us alone to do our own thing, but never a bad one. Maybe I’ve been lucky so far.

Haha. Yeah right. Anyway.

I figure that if I want good things to happen in my life I have to do something about it. I cant just sit around hoping that the things I want in life will come my way, because that just doesnt happen. I need to get out there, enjoy life, catch up on what I’ve missed in the past two years, whats been happening, catch up with old friends, meet new ones, enjoy the simple things in life like I used to.

I’ve always been the same me. I realised that the other day. I just never gave myself the opportunity to let me be that person. I like getting up in the morning and turning my radio on. I like listening to crazy music and jumping around in the living room, and if not the living room, then my own room works fine.

I love going for long walks. Especially by myself because at least then I can order my thoughts and think clearly, and I always know Im listening to myself. Its okay to be lonely. well. to be alone sometimes. It’s healthy to a degree. But people are always so near that you cant ever be truly alone…unless you live out in the bush or something…

I miss spending time with my family. I gave it all up for him. and I shouldnt have. He wasnt worth it. I loved him so damn much, and it never really got me anywhere, except with a broken heart.

I’m a little dissapointed that the kids arent coming up these holidays, but that will be ok. I will just chill out with Crystel and hang out on Facebook haha. and get myself organised for a jam packed B semester.

One more week of holidays. So much to organise tomorrow.

  • Have to hand in my applications for the wananga and for Teaching
  • Have to ring Tainui and find out whether they will still take my application
  • Have to ring studylink and finalise details with my student allowance and find out if I get paid on tuesday
  • Have a meeting with Amber and Moira tomorrow at the WSU at 1.30 pm
  • Have to pick sarah and lucy up from the airport at 12.30 am
  • Have to clean my room, the car and the kitchen and lounge and bathroom for crystel to come over on tuesday

I really want to move on. I wont ever get over everything thats happened. Not properly. I’ll always be a little damaged. But damaged goods are still good! In fact, theyre most porbably better, because we know how to deal with bad situations, and often have good advice, because we’ve been there.

Life can continue happily. With goals, and plans and new happy choices.

I’m proud of myself. I made it through the semester. and I did it all by myself. I’m really very proud of myself. I graduate in October and am starting my honours in a week. Seems like every time something life changing happens I start a new blog. Thats interesting!

Love always. xoxoxoxoxoxox

allie :)

Grossness and Making Music

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Does every great musician have a favourite place where they make up their lyrics? I know I do. For Sure. It’s always been the same place, ever since I was little. It comes at any given moment, these lyrical thoughts.. but, usually when I’m going for a walk, or in the shower… well. whenever im in the bathroo to be honest. my best music…well. to be completely honest… comes from when I have nothing else to do but sit and think and … usually make awesome lyrics. sometimes they aren’t that great, but they are definately interesting. :)

At the moment, I’m getting back into my guitar… and playing with the capo steven gave me is really cool now that I know what I’m doing.

I woke up this morning, not in my own bed, well, it used to be mine until I moved out. It’s now my little sister’s. Anyway. I woke up, and heard Mum going nuts bout the cat. Yeah. well. it was pretty gross. fair enough, stupid cat.

I woke up again, later…to a phone call from the Wananga asking me about enrolling for August.. and then…tried to remember my dream. It made me think alot.. I really don’t want to think about them anymore. They’ve done the most horrible terrible thing to me. The one thing I never thought they would do. He’d already hurt me so much and I never thought that he would stoop as low as that. So. No more thinking about it. Because it only brings me more pain. and its sad. truly. you’d never expect your best friend of four years to do that. hmm
anyway. I’m moving ahead. Moving on. Pushing through all this junk and moving on with my life. There’s lots of new doors already opening up for me. and it makes me happy. So for now. I’m going to go see my Gran…and talk to her. :) Ciao! :)hehe