Tag Archives: life

New Barriers can be Broken down too…

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I have just learnt…

That no matter how safe you make yourself, you can always get hurt…much more hurt by and from the ones you love and who care for you and looked after you during the…probably…worst time in your life.

I will not succumb. I will not let this hurt me. I am strong.

But it hurts, not quite a punch in the gut…but..it hurts.

its sly, betrayal. it hurts more because you dont expect it. you’d never expect it from someone who has that exact thing happen to them so often.

but, I am also realising, that those people who you would never expect it from are more likely to do so.

Simply put, you can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to push myself away from everyone…but, I tried so hard so far to build trust in people again. maybe thats the problem, I shouldnt expect anything better from anyone, because as it is, people don’t prove or at least haven’t proved to me in the past that they can do better and are better. All that I have ever recieved from anyone is betrayal, actions which caused me to be jealous, malicious lies, abusive words and physical abuse, sly horrible decietfulness… among other….bull.

No-one has ever shown me that there is truthfulness, honesty and true care and love and friendship in the world… sure, everyone makes mistakes, thats an excuse in itself. maybe im not the best person myself…but at least I always try my damned hardest to be honest and truthful and well…myself. I try not to be deceitful…

Every time I get close to being happy, and everything being perfect…or at least really good…something bad happens which makes me feel like tearing it all down and starting again.

Its that horrible feeling when you know that all that has been before, means nothing. and whether you forgive that person or not… you have to start from the beginning again

this time tho. i dont know. im so sick of being told things are going to happen and then they change. im not going to be nice anymore…no-one ever repays the favour. and if they do well… i dont know..it just doesnt feel the same

maybe its best if I am on my own. seeing those couples made me sick tonight, because I know that’s how we used to be..hugging and touching and being close. and after all is said and done, what does it matter…eventually you’re back on your own again…one step after the other…being yourself, living your own life.. i dont want to give up on people and on love…but seriously…got so much more out of talking and patting that cat last night..

i dont want to be destined to be alone..i want to be loved, i want to be happy..of course I do…that used to be the only thing i wanted…then i realised to be happy i just had to be happy…by being happy.

and as it is, im ok with not having anyone. I would love to have kids. I really would. I want so much to be able to be a mum, but for now being an aunty is ok…

she is the only one who has ever talked to me about talking to someone about me, as in…ive got a mate u might like…etc. shes a good girl. shes strong. shes funny and i trust her, though i ont want to trust her because I dont want to get hurt. and getting hurt hurts :(

for now, I have work to do…lots of reading…im gonna be strong and happy…and alone for now, because love will find me, one way or another, in time…i must have faith in that at least.

allie xxoxoxx

Got my interview tomorrow…

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scary. exciting. awesome. nervous. worried. thoughtful. worried…

jeez. I hope I get in. I mean, its not likely that they’d turn me away unless I was really really horrible right????? right?

and now from reading Kay’s comment, starting to frak myself out…again. what if I dont get a job straight out? well. theres a few options… always has been. well more recently especially.

  1. Teaching History and English
  2. Museum Curating
  3. Historian working for some kind of company
  4. Historian writing books
  5. Historian doing research…somewhere for something
  6. Do my masters…
  7. Be a librarian
  8. Be a professional traveller
  9. Work in retail
  10. work in a bookstore
  11. and… if theres absolutely nothing around…I’ve worked in real scummy places before…like that old yucky fish and chip store…am surprised it stayed open for so long!

so yeah. have a few options…but, god. hope I get in.

think I should write down what im good at, why I like kids and why I want to teach. will divulge more tomorrow. but yes. very exciting! wish me luck!!! :)

I’m Gonna Get a Job…

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straight out of university. it cant be that hard. I mean, even with everyone talking about how difficult the job market is right now, it shouldnt be too hard to find something..

If you’re determined enough and have connections in the right place from networking and being social with people, its not too hard to find a good job.

so many of my friends, and I love you to pieces, have finished uni and havent mnaged to find a job yet. now im not saying theyre not determined enough, maybe theyre just not happy with what they want to do, or dont know who to contact to find a good job.

so far, I’m happy with my degree, im excited about the possibilities of palces I can go to and I’m very happy with how things are going.

If something shit happens, well, I’ve been through enough now to know how to pull myself back together and get on with things… so I’m sure I’ll be ok.

Life is for living. for experiences and im so excited to live that I cant wait to get out and just do it. truly :)

at the moment, an essay is staring me in the face waiting me for me to do it, and yet, I hear restaurant city game from facebook playing, and am writing in this instead.

but this little blog i have got going at the moment, liberates me. frees me. from oppression of my own mind, my own pressures and releases me into my dreams and the great beyond, where I and everyone else has potential and can go far. very far. I’m excited :)

Mood Swings

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It annoys me that I can go from talking about love one moment, to being completely angry about everything thats happened again. seriously.

im still re-acquainting myself with myself and how things are in the real world, since i was out of it, in my own little dream world for so long with him…our own little world.

but now that im out, i see clearer, and i can understand….not everyone cares. some people wouldnt help someoe out if they were dying..some people wouldnt risk their life for someone elses. and perhaps i should say its not their fault…but to be honest, they suck. and theyre not good people.

I’ve been thinking for a while that I should write a book, and I cant quite remember if i mentioned that in the beginning, but yes…I’m going to. to help people undertand how to be better people. to understand me and what ive been through, so that i can try and explain, what cant really be explained which is why no-one can possibly ever understand me, because there is no real way of explaining it, unless you’ve been through it all yourself, except even then, people dont know, or cant comprehend why you think like that, why you say things and why you do things a particular way.

I wish it were as simple as laying out the truth for everyone.

I know what I did. I know what he did. I know what she did.

There may be some confusion and grey parts, but im sure if I talked to the right people they’d tell me what I wanted. Though I dont specifically want to know because it just makes me sick.

I wish people wouldnt go back on their word. That they would truly say what they meant and stuck to it.

Words mean alot to me. Actions too. Im a history and english major. Im a person.

If you’re going to talk about specific topics with me, i keep secrets. I wont tell anyone. Some people get scared and run away, scared I will say something. But no, I dont. The only thing i tell people about is myself and my issues, because if I didnt talk about it I’d be … well… to be mild, I’d be screwed.

If your going to tell me something huge, and life changing, dont go back on your word…dont break that trust you (fought?) tried? …got back … so hard…for.

Dont break my heart into a million little pieces and then stick around just to make sure theyre really trampled with.. is that what you wanted? to make me feel so unbelievably worthless that I’d start believing that horrid lady …the ‘counsellor’ (though I’m pretty sure she got her degree out of a cereal box) … so that you wouldnt feel like such an …idiot…and arsehole, like what you did was actually true.

damnit. there is so much pain, anger and hurt and broken trust inside me, but instead of breaking down and falling, I try to stand up…brush myself off, and start each day as if its the last day… and maybe it is..for all we know. but. theres no point in breaking down, because I want to be happy. He could never give me that. Only I can give it to myself.

This much I know for certain.

Life is nothing like a bunch of chocolates…because all chocolates are good. its more like something else which i cant quite put an analogy to…

Life was so much simpler when we were little, though they were still dramatic, and felt life threatening at the time..but now..jeez. take each day as it comes, smile when the sun comes out again, embrace the falling raindrops, live another day.

Allie

Workload

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Normally, I leave everything til the last minute possible. For once..I’m actually trying to stay on top of it.

I got an A- for my presentation. yup. I so did. maybe this whole honours thing is really letting me spread my wings, away from all the annoying talkative people in my old history and english classes, and actually forcing me to think myself, be put on the spot and say the things I actually think.

Now dont get me wrong, this is pretty scary. But its good. I’m really enjoying being part of a collective, a smaller group of actual academics…and I’m actually thinking bout doing a masters topic. which is really scary…but scary in different ways. Actually having a research topic idea…now that i can work on all year next year…as I’m still planning on doing teaching next year…thats if they want me.

I love my class. All my classes. Maybe thats why I’m enjoying it so much, coz I’m actually really passionate about what I’m learning.

It does scare me a little though. Like when I went back to my old school, and these kids asked me this really random out-of the blue question…expecting it to be answered… sure. I’m the academic now, so surely I have a whole heap of answers…

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Karma and Murphy’s Law

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I think I like Karma alot. coz, in theory I’m a good person, I have good morals and thoughts about how I do things, and well. to tell the truth, I’ve done some shit things in my time, but I’ve had plenty of shit things done to me of late. I’m not sure whether its been karma…but on the other hand, maybe theyre just things I needed to go through to know and learn about myself and the world.

Its quite sad really. but. now that I’m single, and looking more gorgeous every day I must add ;) I look at dudes and wonder how much shit I went through. Like seriously. I would never wish that on anyone. Well. no. I wouldnt. because its just…it sucks to the extreme.

If I think a guy is hot, gorgeous or beautiful, damnit I’m gonna say so. If im interested in someone, most of the time theyre not interested, or they just dont know…lol more than likely theyve got no clue, which works good, coz I’m going off of Kelly’s wonderful plan of having crushes.

Only problem is when they are too close, ie, workmates, flatmates, bestmates, colleagues…hmm. and so yeah. kinda sucks. but its ok. coz its not like I’m looking for anything. In fact the idea of being with anyone scares the shit out of me! haha. Mainly because I put so much effort into the last relationship. four monthsish later, and I’m still healing. I’m gonna have some pretty heavy scars. but. As I said, Karma put it this way I think. You learn what you need to.

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So It Seems Like I Actually Have Something To Say…

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I ummed and arhhed and well… to be perfectly honest, I just cant stop myself from saying this, which means it truly must be said.

one day, when I’m much older, I may regret being so open about all of this, but if I hadnt have been open in the past, I would have been much more screwed up than I am now. So there.

But for freaks sake. If anyone comes to me like his damned sister and says, well, you took him back, it must not have been that bad. well. you know what? it bloody well was. and at the time I may had needed to forgive him…or thought that I had…but no… I havent. not really. He will always be reaping the consequences of what he did to me that night. and I hate… yeah…I guess. hates strong, but it works for right now…damnit I cared so much about them both, and now I despise both of them to their uttermost core of their entire existence. They are worth less than me than the most sludgyness of sludge under the dirt under my shoes. I would spit on them. I’m not normally a horrible person, but combined, and apart, they both do an incredibly unkind service to me, and if I was in shakespearean times, I would SO bite my thumb at them.

They’re not worth it. I’m better than them, better than that, not going to fall back into that damn trap!

I’m moving on, finding my way. and you know what? I’ve neve been happier. not ever did he ever make me an ounce of happy as I am now without him. and no way in hell do you need to put so much effort into being friends. it should come naturally…and if it doesnt, wel it was never meant to be. ever. i wish them both exactly what they wished for themselves, just as I am going to be happy. with the knowledge that I am now able to make my own self happy and I’m glad. its a good step.

Screw them both. they deserve whats coming to them. Karma. shes a good friend of mine. theyre gonna have fun with her.

 

allie. xoxoxox

Moving On.

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So, I was going to start this whole post off with my plans for tomorrow. But, as it turns out, I started reading majulahsingapura’s blog and it was pretty awesome. So, I commented, and we shall see what she decides to do.

Reading it though..and after I made my comment, gave me some sort of new breath, or new idea, or new something. new life maybe? I’m moving on. I’m going to be happy, this much I know already. So far, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was coping with everything quite well to be honest. and then. somehow. after the dramas of this weekend. feel “pretty darn hard done by” and I want to make amends. I want to grow old with my favourite people. I want to live my life the way I want to live it, and for once do it my way.

I will no longer put up with people “shitting on me” as mum says, which she means not to let people walk over you or treat you badly… and to be honest. its about time I stood up for myself… after telling majulahsingapura to do it. well. I should do it myself.

No more worrying about things that happened in the past. It cant hurt me anymore. It can only hurt me if I let it. And I really dont wanna feel that pain anymore. It hurts too much. I want to live stress-free, something which I feel I am going to be constantly in and out of battles with. It doesnt seem that easy.

I want to have my own house, be my own landlord. I’m sick of this shitty landlord. This is the first time I’ve ever really had a bad one. I’ve had really good ones, concerned ones, ones who dont care and just leave us alone to do our own thing, but never a bad one. Maybe I’ve been lucky so far.

Haha. Yeah right. Anyway.

I figure that if I want good things to happen in my life I have to do something about it. I cant just sit around hoping that the things I want in life will come my way, because that just doesnt happen. I need to get out there, enjoy life, catch up on what I’ve missed in the past two years, whats been happening, catch up with old friends, meet new ones, enjoy the simple things in life like I used to.

I’ve always been the same me. I realised that the other day. I just never gave myself the opportunity to let me be that person. I like getting up in the morning and turning my radio on. I like listening to crazy music and jumping around in the living room, and if not the living room, then my own room works fine.

I love going for long walks. Especially by myself because at least then I can order my thoughts and think clearly, and I always know Im listening to myself. Its okay to be lonely. well. to be alone sometimes. It’s healthy to a degree. But people are always so near that you cant ever be truly alone…unless you live out in the bush or something…

I miss spending time with my family. I gave it all up for him. and I shouldnt have. He wasnt worth it. I loved him so damn much, and it never really got me anywhere, except with a broken heart.

I’m a little dissapointed that the kids arent coming up these holidays, but that will be ok. I will just chill out with Crystel and hang out on Facebook haha. and get myself organised for a jam packed B semester.

One more week of holidays. So much to organise tomorrow.

  • Have to hand in my applications for the wananga and for Teaching
  • Have to ring Tainui and find out whether they will still take my application
  • Have to ring studylink and finalise details with my student allowance and find out if I get paid on tuesday
  • Have a meeting with Amber and Moira tomorrow at the WSU at 1.30 pm
  • Have to pick sarah and lucy up from the airport at 12.30 am
  • Have to clean my room, the car and the kitchen and lounge and bathroom for crystel to come over on tuesday

I really want to move on. I wont ever get over everything thats happened. Not properly. I’ll always be a little damaged. But damaged goods are still good! In fact, theyre most porbably better, because we know how to deal with bad situations, and often have good advice, because we’ve been there.

Life can continue happily. With goals, and plans and new happy choices.

I’m proud of myself. I made it through the semester. and I did it all by myself. I’m really very proud of myself. I graduate in October and am starting my honours in a week. Seems like every time something life changing happens I start a new blog. Thats interesting!

Love always. xoxoxoxoxoxox

allie :)