Tag Archives: happiness

New Barriers can be Broken down too…

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I have just learnt…

That no matter how safe you make yourself, you can always get hurt…much more hurt by and from the ones you love and who care for you and looked after you during the…probably…worst time in your life.

I will not succumb. I will not let this hurt me. I am strong.

But it hurts, not quite a punch in the gut…but..it hurts.

its sly, betrayal. it hurts more because you dont expect it. you’d never expect it from someone who has that exact thing happen to them so often.

but, I am also realising, that those people who you would never expect it from are more likely to do so.

Simply put, you can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to push myself away from everyone…but, I tried so hard so far to build trust in people again. maybe thats the problem, I shouldnt expect anything better from anyone, because as it is, people don’t prove or at least haven’t proved to me in the past that they can do better and are better. All that I have ever recieved from anyone is betrayal, actions which caused me to be jealous, malicious lies, abusive words and physical abuse, sly horrible decietfulness… among other….bull.

No-one has ever shown me that there is truthfulness, honesty and true care and love and friendship in the world… sure, everyone makes mistakes, thats an excuse in itself. maybe im not the best person myself…but at least I always try my damned hardest to be honest and truthful and well…myself. I try not to be deceitful…

Every time I get close to being happy, and everything being perfect…or at least really good…something bad happens which makes me feel like tearing it all down and starting again.

Its that horrible feeling when you know that all that has been before, means nothing. and whether you forgive that person or not… you have to start from the beginning again

this time tho. i dont know. im so sick of being told things are going to happen and then they change. im not going to be nice anymore…no-one ever repays the favour. and if they do well… i dont know..it just doesnt feel the same

maybe its best if I am on my own. seeing those couples made me sick tonight, because I know that’s how we used to be..hugging and touching and being close. and after all is said and done, what does it matter…eventually you’re back on your own again…one step after the other…being yourself, living your own life.. i dont want to give up on people and on love…but seriously…got so much more out of talking and patting that cat last night..

i dont want to be destined to be alone..i want to be loved, i want to be happy..of course I do…that used to be the only thing i wanted…then i realised to be happy i just had to be happy…by being happy.

and as it is, im ok with not having anyone. I would love to have kids. I really would. I want so much to be able to be a mum, but for now being an aunty is ok…

she is the only one who has ever talked to me about talking to someone about me, as in…ive got a mate u might like…etc. shes a good girl. shes strong. shes funny and i trust her, though i ont want to trust her because I dont want to get hurt. and getting hurt hurts :(

for now, I have work to do…lots of reading…im gonna be strong and happy…and alone for now, because love will find me, one way or another, in time…i must have faith in that at least.

allie xxoxoxx

Got my interview tomorrow…

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scary. exciting. awesome. nervous. worried. thoughtful. worried…

jeez. I hope I get in. I mean, its not likely that they’d turn me away unless I was really really horrible right????? right?

and now from reading Kay’s comment, starting to frak myself out…again. what if I dont get a job straight out? well. theres a few options… always has been. well more recently especially.

  1. Teaching History and English
  2. Museum Curating
  3. Historian working for some kind of company
  4. Historian writing books
  5. Historian doing research…somewhere for something
  6. Do my masters…
  7. Be a librarian
  8. Be a professional traveller
  9. Work in retail
  10. work in a bookstore
  11. and… if theres absolutely nothing around…I’ve worked in real scummy places before…like that old yucky fish and chip store…am surprised it stayed open for so long!

so yeah. have a few options…but, god. hope I get in.

think I should write down what im good at, why I like kids and why I want to teach. will divulge more tomorrow. but yes. very exciting! wish me luck!!! :)

I’m Gonna Get a Job…

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straight out of university. it cant be that hard. I mean, even with everyone talking about how difficult the job market is right now, it shouldnt be too hard to find something..

If you’re determined enough and have connections in the right place from networking and being social with people, its not too hard to find a good job.

so many of my friends, and I love you to pieces, have finished uni and havent mnaged to find a job yet. now im not saying theyre not determined enough, maybe theyre just not happy with what they want to do, or dont know who to contact to find a good job.

so far, I’m happy with my degree, im excited about the possibilities of palces I can go to and I’m very happy with how things are going.

If something shit happens, well, I’ve been through enough now to know how to pull myself back together and get on with things… so I’m sure I’ll be ok.

Life is for living. for experiences and im so excited to live that I cant wait to get out and just do it. truly :)

at the moment, an essay is staring me in the face waiting me for me to do it, and yet, I hear restaurant city game from facebook playing, and am writing in this instead.

but this little blog i have got going at the moment, liberates me. frees me. from oppression of my own mind, my own pressures and releases me into my dreams and the great beyond, where I and everyone else has potential and can go far. very far. I’m excited :)

I have a degree..woah.

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so I finally realised today, that I have a degree. not quite in my hands, but I have graduation next month. this is scary,

  1. because that means people will think im a real “qualified” historian/english academic now
  2. I’ll have to do something with it
  3. It’s taken a lot to get me here
  4. I’m proud of myself
  5. My family is proud of me
  6. I will be able to give back to the community and to my whanau and my iwi

Its important that I’ve realised. because now that I have, I can look forward to the future

a few things to remember from the maori graduates conference from the past two days, (which was amazing by the way! we have some real talent at waikato uni)

  • you will never be clever. you will only ever be a learner all your life
  • once your mind has been stretched it cant go back to being ignorant and small again
  • pro-vice maori office are freaking mean organisers
  • everyone needs to have a vision of what they want for their work, life and their whanau and then the world
  • everyone needs to try to the best of their ability
  • everyone needs to give back.

I’m more passionate about studying now. i wish I’d been allowed to go to those things when I was an under-grad.

I’m growing up. times are changing, some things stay the same, but ultimately, things are good and things are going really well.

 

oh and ambers party went off and we had ANOTHER wicked time in town…perhaps i shouldnt have mixed so much of those wines. but thats the first time since i started drinking again that i had a yuck feeling, just from being sick a little. but thats my own fault, no-one elses really.

and made a good some up today walking home… its got lots of …and you! … and… and i said… and i say…. things like that :) hehe

 

allie xoxox

I am thankful….

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of him for giving me the love of Quentin Tarantino movies…and showing me his directing styles and getting me excited about tarantino’s brilliance

to him because he got me back into records, and made me more appreciative of how simply awesome they are

to him showing me new music

to him because he opened my eyes(and tastebuds) to different foods

because he helped me open my eyes up to different people and to deal with them properly and with more tolerance

of him because he helped me realise it was ok to be sad when I’m sad…and that it wasnt my fault grandad died

that he was my first love… because even with all the terrible shit he did…he could only have been the person to do so… he was my yang to my ying… my own… my other half to every bad thing and every good thing I or he did.

that I am at this place now. Finally.

It hurt alot. ALOT. and I’m not going to forget what happened. like I said in my last post about ‘the thing’…. well anyway…I said to my friends last night about how stupid the Ant Hater is for thinking I could ever get over ‘the thing’… because of all the reasons I’ve mentioned up above and more that I havent said, How could I really get over him? He was my first true love. And I can never forget the memories…good or bad because theyre there for a reason…and its important to remember because they were special and or traumatic at the time, and they need to be remembered because how else am I meant to move on, live my life and learn from living through all of those experiences? hmm?

I would like to say this is going to be one of the last posts where I talk about him…but its just not that easy or possible to do so.

So as it rains down … on the tin roof…on my car outside… on the garage roof and fence next door… I’m happy because this is a step forward.

Moving on takes freaking guts. and this is what I’m doing…because I couldnt, cant and wont go back to all of that. Nope. I’m happy where I am…as long as the leak in my roof in my room doesnt start dripping down on me again. :)

Allie

oh. but I would just like to say that hes an idiot for not going with his mum to the tangi and for not spending any time with her while she was up. ffs. I would have gone with her. shes in pretty much every way possible (coz we were pretty much married in everything that happened and went on) my mother-in-law…and despite all our junk, she was a nice lady and liked me. and cared bout me in her way and we looked after her. so yeah. hes an idiot. its nice to see though that I’m no longer going to be looked at for being the one making him do that…. haha. so thats kinda funny. :)

some crap movies arent really crap.

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I just finished watching sex and the city like i said on facebook…

to be honest…I really did want to see it, though I didnt think it was gonna be that good.

 

I was emotionally engaged throughout, held my breath at quite a few moments, was really happy for some of the characters when needed, and really pissed off and angry for them when it was called for!

In the last few minutes tho… jeez. brought stuff back. heaps.

Now this being a blog and all, of course I know its not going to be private..well duh, the whole world can find it if they so chose to do so, and if i wanted something private, i’d go back to writing in my journal at home however, i left my journal at home… and I’m not gonna go grab my laptop just so i can write in there…so…this is a disclaimer for all those idiotic people out there who go all, oh my god! your’re putting private stuff for the whole world to see in your blog. well. does that clear stuff up?

Anyways. watching those last few minutes made me cry…yeah yeah im a wuss. but, theres emotional baggage behind every single one tear dropped… So I was thinking..well at first…till i watched some more and thought my ideas through more clearly!… That I missed him. yes everyone…I thought I missed the thing.

But then I realised, it wasnt so much the missing HIM, so much as missing the good times, but maybe not even that… more so, just missing being loved by someone I loved.

And then. after that huge realization, and all these random little fantasises/horrors of him trying to come take me back, awkward moments him trying to see me at my house etc, I thought, no. No, well. maybe I could forgive him, though I could never ever forget,  (I think I’m finally realising what Tony meant…) because…in all honesty, I forgave “” him… for everything else, though i’m still hurt and upset and saddened  by everything he did before… surely, and im sure I would, forgive him again. because i loved him so much. but as I write…I know, it would never be the same, I could never trust him again, and never would i ever be able to look him in the face without wanting to hurl and punch him in the face…

still watching the movie, I realized another reason why it hurt so much.

I hate her. damn it I hate her so much. what she did. god. how freaking ridiculous!!! I loved him…so much. and yet… it didnt matter to either of them…i could never ever EVER forgive her. EVER.

and this is why people…they are called the thing, and the things… because they are dead to me…her especially. (as I said before, i could forgive him, but it would never be the same and it wouldnt ever be able to move on from everything thats happened)

Whats more. I’m better off without him, I’m happy, I have my family around me, I can do what I want…WHEN I want..and I am really loving my life right now. who the hell said I cant be happy. He surely never ever could. ffs. he said he enjoyed trying to make me happy….coz it was a CHALLENGE. jeez. why right then didnt i tell him kei te haere atu THING!

seriously.

well anyway. thats my rant for now. loving opo… the girls netball was freaking amazing. lil C’s b-day is on wed so going back for that…the kids were gorgeous finding cool stuff for her at the beach…and the possum babies? hmm. one is really ugly…the other two are dealable….just not sure whether they have diseases or not…

better go anyways…coz gotta get the kids ready tomorrow for school. xoxox night.

Workload

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Normally, I leave everything til the last minute possible. For once..I’m actually trying to stay on top of it.

I got an A- for my presentation. yup. I so did. maybe this whole honours thing is really letting me spread my wings, away from all the annoying talkative people in my old history and english classes, and actually forcing me to think myself, be put on the spot and say the things I actually think.

Now dont get me wrong, this is pretty scary. But its good. I’m really enjoying being part of a collective, a smaller group of actual academics…and I’m actually thinking bout doing a masters topic. which is really scary…but scary in different ways. Actually having a research topic idea…now that i can work on all year next year…as I’m still planning on doing teaching next year…thats if they want me.

I love my class. All my classes. Maybe thats why I’m enjoying it so much, coz I’m actually really passionate about what I’m learning.

It does scare me a little though. Like when I went back to my old school, and these kids asked me this really random out-of the blue question…expecting it to be answered… sure. I’m the academic now, so surely I have a whole heap of answers…

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So It Seems Like I Actually Have Something To Say…

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I ummed and arhhed and well… to be perfectly honest, I just cant stop myself from saying this, which means it truly must be said.

one day, when I’m much older, I may regret being so open about all of this, but if I hadnt have been open in the past, I would have been much more screwed up than I am now. So there.

But for freaks sake. If anyone comes to me like his damned sister and says, well, you took him back, it must not have been that bad. well. you know what? it bloody well was. and at the time I may had needed to forgive him…or thought that I had…but no… I havent. not really. He will always be reaping the consequences of what he did to me that night. and I hate… yeah…I guess. hates strong, but it works for right now…damnit I cared so much about them both, and now I despise both of them to their uttermost core of their entire existence. They are worth less than me than the most sludgyness of sludge under the dirt under my shoes. I would spit on them. I’m not normally a horrible person, but combined, and apart, they both do an incredibly unkind service to me, and if I was in shakespearean times, I would SO bite my thumb at them.

They’re not worth it. I’m better than them, better than that, not going to fall back into that damn trap!

I’m moving on, finding my way. and you know what? I’ve neve been happier. not ever did he ever make me an ounce of happy as I am now without him. and no way in hell do you need to put so much effort into being friends. it should come naturally…and if it doesnt, wel it was never meant to be. ever. i wish them both exactly what they wished for themselves, just as I am going to be happy. with the knowledge that I am now able to make my own self happy and I’m glad. its a good step.

Screw them both. they deserve whats coming to them. Karma. shes a good friend of mine. theyre gonna have fun with her.

 

allie. xoxoxox