I’ve always seen myself as me. A girl who was brought up with knowing about her heritage and her whakapapa. I’m of maori anf french descent, and consider myself as being a strong and straight up person about who I am.

I am now realizing that people judge me the minute they meet me. It sucks, but this is what they do.

I had initial worries about this when I was considering whether or not I was going to do oral histories, mainly of maori people. Theres a whole lot of ethical and moral issues about this that I wont go into right now about this, which led me to the decision that I am who I am, and people will judge me no matter who I try to percieve myself as being.

I get that. Well, I thought I did.

At the moment, I’m a kaiawhina as I study at Uni. I love my uni. Not many univeristies have maori signposts under the english ones around I’m told. To me, thats just something normal and expected. I expect the bi-multi0lingual status we have here at Waikato. It’s refreshing, and its how things are done.

As a kaiawhina, I help out maori students who are enrolled in history and english papers that I’ve taken myself, throughout my degree.

Now that I’m finished my degree YAY! I am able to focus on my honours and graduate level papers, which I’m enjoying immensely.

But back to being a kaiawhina. As a kaiawhina, each and every new semester I have to go into peoples classes and introduce myself. Over the semester I email, and ring them all up to let them know about upcoming assignments, events we are planning and just to see how theyre doing throughout the semester.

Its like the second or third week in to semester already…I think. and already I’ve been in to most of the classes I’m going to be taking care of this semester.

Instantly, when I walk in…I’m being judged. Heres some girl. Whys she here? Whats kaupapa mean? why is she singling out maori students? shes a pakeha chick etc etc etc.

Now heres my dilemma. I have some scripted things I have to say when I go into these classes, like how we are primarily here to help maori students and so therefore it makes sense that I only have the maori students email addresses.

Alot of the people who see and judge me want to know where I’m coming from. Who I am etc.

I just want to help students. I love and am very passionate about history and english, and just want students to get the most out of their degree. If I can help in some way, then all the better aye!

I obviously will help any student who needs my help. They just have to come up to my office! when I’m in haha but its not hard to flick me an email or something.

anyways. thats my rant for now.  I’m just a pakeha looking girl with a big ole hearty maori heart and it sucks when people look down at me for any reason. so damn hard to be accepted for who I am and for I want to be seen as being