Monthly Archives: August 2009

I am thankful….

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of him for giving me the love of Quentin Tarantino movies…and showing me his directing styles and getting me excited about tarantino’s brilliance

to him because he got me back into records, and made me more appreciative of how simply awesome they are

to him showing me new music

to him because he opened my eyes(and tastebuds) to different foods

because he helped me open my eyes up to different people and to deal with them properly and with more tolerance

of him because he helped me realise it was ok to be sad when I’m sad…and that it wasnt my fault grandad died

that he was my first love… because even with all the terrible shit he did…he could only have been the person to do so… he was my yang to my ying… my own… my other half to every bad thing and every good thing I or he did.

that I am at this place now. Finally.

It hurt alot. ALOT. and I’m not going to forget what happened. like I said in my last post about ‘the thing’…. well anyway…I said to my friends last night about how stupid the Ant Hater is for thinking I could ever get over ‘the thing’… because of all the reasons I’ve mentioned up above and more that I havent said, How could I really get over him? He was my first true love. And I can never forget the memories…good or bad because theyre there for a reason…and its important to remember because they were special and or traumatic at the time, and they need to be remembered because how else am I meant to move on, live my life and learn from living through all of those experiences? hmm?

I would like to say this is going to be one of the last posts where I talk about him…but its just not that easy or possible to do so.

So as it rains down … on the tin roof…on my car outside… on the garage roof and fence next door… I’m happy because this is a step forward.

Moving on takes freaking guts. and this is what I’m doing…because I couldnt, cant and wont go back to all of that. Nope. I’m happy where I am…as long as the leak in my roof in my room doesnt start dripping down on me again. :)

Allie

oh. but I would just like to say that hes an idiot for not going with his mum to the tangi and for not spending any time with her while she was up. ffs. I would have gone with her. shes in pretty much every way possible (coz we were pretty much married in everything that happened and went on) my mother-in-law…and despite all our junk, she was a nice lady and liked me. and cared bout me in her way and we looked after her. so yeah. hes an idiot. its nice to see though that I’m no longer going to be looked at for being the one making him do that…. haha. so thats kinda funny. :)

The Ant Hater

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I am seriously getting incredibly peeved off and irritated by this person. i mean…what the hell have ants ever done to them? seriously!

doesnt like kids.

doesnt like ants or creepycrawlies

likes tequila.

i mean seriously? what kinda chance did they think they had? I like, no love that stuff.and absolutely abhor tequila. if i could id ban it. coz nothing good comes out of it.

i love ants. ant killer? isnt that a bit extreme? haha. why dont you just look after your freaking stuff and make sure its not open to get into! my god.

and are you deaf? does the tv, MY tv need to be up that loud? its too loud..soo loud i can hear it in my room with the door closed…with my music up loud.

and are you offended by the couches? theyre there to sit on. if ur not gonna sit on them…why are you in the freaking lounge? seriously! my god.

and of course im not over the thing. how can i ever be! ffs! everything he did? we’re linked together…no matter what i do! rawr!

seriously!!!!! BIG QUESTION MARK!

now im gonna breathe..relax..and get ready for inglorious basterds. am glad the stomper is moving out too. hmmm.

thats me for now

Going home soon….

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Hey everyone… danielle just got here…so thats good. can say bye to everyone now…

i think im gonna be an awesome aunty hahaha

:)

am looking forward to going home…doing annes interview tomorrow…so have to get all organised for that tomorrow morning. have to do a write up of my presentation and then yeah. should be sweet :)

have loved being here…everytime i come down its more realizations and relaxations…its good and i love it.

anyways. should prolly go see danielle before i go…and yeah.

xoxoxoxoxoxo!

some crap movies arent really crap.

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I just finished watching sex and the city like i said on facebook…

to be honest…I really did want to see it, though I didnt think it was gonna be that good.

 

I was emotionally engaged throughout, held my breath at quite a few moments, was really happy for some of the characters when needed, and really pissed off and angry for them when it was called for!

In the last few minutes tho… jeez. brought stuff back. heaps.

Now this being a blog and all, of course I know its not going to be private..well duh, the whole world can find it if they so chose to do so, and if i wanted something private, i’d go back to writing in my journal at home however, i left my journal at home… and I’m not gonna go grab my laptop just so i can write in there…so…this is a disclaimer for all those idiotic people out there who go all, oh my god! your’re putting private stuff for the whole world to see in your blog. well. does that clear stuff up?

Anyways. watching those last few minutes made me cry…yeah yeah im a wuss. but, theres emotional baggage behind every single one tear dropped… So I was thinking..well at first…till i watched some more and thought my ideas through more clearly!… That I missed him. yes everyone…I thought I missed the thing.

But then I realised, it wasnt so much the missing HIM, so much as missing the good times, but maybe not even that… more so, just missing being loved by someone I loved.

And then. after that huge realization, and all these random little fantasises/horrors of him trying to come take me back, awkward moments him trying to see me at my house etc, I thought, no. No, well. maybe I could forgive him, though I could never ever forget,  (I think I’m finally realising what Tony meant…) because…in all honesty, I forgave “” him… for everything else, though i’m still hurt and upset and saddened  by everything he did before… surely, and im sure I would, forgive him again. because i loved him so much. but as I write…I know, it would never be the same, I could never trust him again, and never would i ever be able to look him in the face without wanting to hurl and punch him in the face…

still watching the movie, I realized another reason why it hurt so much.

I hate her. damn it I hate her so much. what she did. god. how freaking ridiculous!!! I loved him…so much. and yet… it didnt matter to either of them…i could never ever EVER forgive her. EVER.

and this is why people…they are called the thing, and the things… because they are dead to me…her especially. (as I said before, i could forgive him, but it would never be the same and it wouldnt ever be able to move on from everything thats happened)

Whats more. I’m better off without him, I’m happy, I have my family around me, I can do what I want…WHEN I want..and I am really loving my life right now. who the hell said I cant be happy. He surely never ever could. ffs. he said he enjoyed trying to make me happy….coz it was a CHALLENGE. jeez. why right then didnt i tell him kei te haere atu THING!

seriously.

well anyway. thats my rant for now. loving opo… the girls netball was freaking amazing. lil C’s b-day is on wed so going back for that…the kids were gorgeous finding cool stuff for her at the beach…and the possum babies? hmm. one is really ugly…the other two are dealable….just not sure whether they have diseases or not…

better go anyways…coz gotta get the kids ready tomorrow for school. xoxox night.

Workload

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Normally, I leave everything til the last minute possible. For once..I’m actually trying to stay on top of it.

I got an A- for my presentation. yup. I so did. maybe this whole honours thing is really letting me spread my wings, away from all the annoying talkative people in my old history and english classes, and actually forcing me to think myself, be put on the spot and say the things I actually think.

Now dont get me wrong, this is pretty scary. But its good. I’m really enjoying being part of a collective, a smaller group of actual academics…and I’m actually thinking bout doing a masters topic. which is really scary…but scary in different ways. Actually having a research topic idea…now that i can work on all year next year…as I’m still planning on doing teaching next year…thats if they want me.

I love my class. All my classes. Maybe thats why I’m enjoying it so much, coz I’m actually really passionate about what I’m learning.

It does scare me a little though. Like when I went back to my old school, and these kids asked me this really random out-of the blue question…expecting it to be answered… sure. I’m the academic now, so surely I have a whole heap of answers…

Read More!! Continue reading →

Scary Shakes

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We were in the library the other day…down the basement… and me and gaz were getting books…obviously and we started freaking out that there was a mini earthquake going on… we got out of there eventually…but it was pretty damn scary!

and then…last wednesday. Al casual and brave..I saw him. and stopped and talked to him. my god. I was bloody proud of myself afterwards … scared and shaky…but I did it. and no amount of records I used to want will make me want to start talking to him again. talk about emotional blackmail for you. seriously! :) but been good so far lately anyways.

Just thought I’d Say hi.

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Had a mini melt down. not too bad. am ok, and back onto the designated path. :) more importantly, am allocating myself some down time. to read a real book for once. not some history or english designated “have to read” books… but a good, relaxing book to read before sleeping. and so. I’m about to do it. hopefully I dont fall asleep before i get into the first couple of pages.

also. the trip up to the Waikato Hospital was awesome today. their gudex library was amazing…and the medical objects were as creepy as I thought they’d be, but were definately displayed differently than I though they would be. so thats cool am looking forward to my interview with peter rothwell if he’ll do it with me,
and of course, the one with A. :) ethics and all :)

of course, I have to get on to my actual research due next week…but yeah. thought I’d say hi to everyone :) xoxox. and goodnight. am so excited to read a real book. yay! night! :)

Chloe.

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This is for chloe…coz other han Kay who actually has a blog on here…shes the only one who’s read my blog and comments it. so thanks love! :) hope everything is going awesome for you and that things are great and yeah :)

 

love ya long time! :) Allie

Food For Thought

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Here’s something for you. Copy and paste this as a comment, and answer between the lines as to what your reaction is.

A man pushed another guy off a bridge.

Oh stink Bro! haha

The guy who fell had been holding up traffic on the bridge for 6 hours.

random! what a retard

He’d held it up by threatening to commit suicide.

oh. :s

This was in China.

okay?

The man who pushed, was terribly late for delivering goods and would lose his job otherwise.

he still shouldnt have pushed him off.

The police were there, and saw it all.

the police dont do shit… most of the time.

The man who pushed is now in prison.

oh? that serious?

The man who fell landed on an inflated emergency trampoline net thing, and sustained a few bruises.

oh. well. thats not too bad then. thought he’d died. but still.

Funny how much we can assume if we don’t know the full story, huh?