Monthly Archives: July 2009

So It Seems Like I Actually Have Something To Say…

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I ummed and arhhed and well… to be perfectly honest, I just cant stop myself from saying this, which means it truly must be said.

one day, when I’m much older, I may regret being so open about all of this, but if I hadnt have been open in the past, I would have been much more screwed up than I am now. So there.

But for freaks sake. If anyone comes to me like his damned sister and says, well, you took him back, it must not have been that bad. well. you know what? it bloody well was. and at the time I may had needed to forgive him…or thought that I had…but no… I havent. not really. He will always be reaping the consequences of what he did to me that night. and I hate… yeah…I guess. hates strong, but it works for right now…damnit I cared so much about them both, and now I despise both of them to their uttermost core of their entire existence. They are worth less than me than the most sludgyness of sludge under the dirt under my shoes. I would spit on them. I’m not normally a horrible person, but combined, and apart, they both do an incredibly unkind service to me, and if I was in shakespearean times, I would SO bite my thumb at them.

They’re not worth it. I’m better than them, better than that, not going to fall back into that damn trap!

I’m moving on, finding my way. and you know what? I’ve neve been happier. not ever did he ever make me an ounce of happy as I am now without him. and no way in hell do you need to put so much effort into being friends. it should come naturally…and if it doesnt, wel it was never meant to be. ever. i wish them both exactly what they wished for themselves, just as I am going to be happy. with the knowledge that I am now able to make my own self happy and I’m glad. its a good step.

Screw them both. they deserve whats coming to them. Karma. shes a good friend of mine. theyre gonna have fun with her.

 

allie. xoxoxox

Identity Crisis

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I’ve always seen myself as me. A girl who was brought up with knowing about her heritage and her whakapapa. I’m of maori anf french descent, and consider myself as being a strong and straight up person about who I am.

I am now realizing that people judge me the minute they meet me. It sucks, but this is what they do.

I had initial worries about this when I was considering whether or not I was going to do oral histories, mainly of maori people. Theres a whole lot of ethical and moral issues about this that I wont go into right now about this, which led me to the decision that I am who I am, and people will judge me no matter who I try to percieve myself as being.

I get that. Well, I thought I did.

At the moment, I’m a kaiawhina as I study at Uni. I love my uni. Not many univeristies have maori signposts under the english ones around I’m told. To me, thats just something normal and expected. I expect the bi-multi0lingual status we have here at Waikato. It’s refreshing, and its how things are done.

As a kaiawhina, I help out maori students who are enrolled in history and english papers that I’ve taken myself, throughout my degree.

Now that I’m finished my degree YAY! I am able to focus on my honours and graduate level papers, which I’m enjoying immensely.

But back to being a kaiawhina. As a kaiawhina, each and every new semester I have to go into peoples classes and introduce myself. Over the semester I email, and ring them all up to let them know about upcoming assignments, events we are planning and just to see how theyre doing throughout the semester.

Its like the second or third week in to semester already…I think. and already I’ve been in to most of the classes I’m going to be taking care of this semester.

Instantly, when I walk in…I’m being judged. Heres some girl. Whys she here? Whats kaupapa mean? why is she singling out maori students? shes a pakeha chick etc etc etc.

Now heres my dilemma. I have some scripted things I have to say when I go into these classes, like how we are primarily here to help maori students and so therefore it makes sense that I only have the maori students email addresses.

Alot of the people who see and judge me want to know where I’m coming from. Who I am etc.

I just want to help students. I love and am very passionate about history and english, and just want students to get the most out of their degree. If I can help in some way, then all the better aye!

I obviously will help any student who needs my help. They just have to come up to my office! when I’m in haha :) but its not hard to flick me an email or something.

 

anyways. thats my rant for now.  I’m just a pakeha looking girl with a big ole hearty maori heart :) and it sucks when people look down at me for any reason. so damn hard to be accepted for who I am and for I want to be seen as being :)

Wasting Time When I Have Better Things to Do OR Should Be Doing Something More Creative or Worth Something!

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So. The title may not mean much, but it actually does. This is a really long post. Feel free to read on. It’s mostly about money and flatting and uni and my last two years. Hmmm. It is actually slightly insightful haha :) if anyone needs to know how to live off 20 cents, they should read this :)

Allie xoxox

  Continue reading →

Comments :)

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Thankyou guys for all your comments. Can’t really believe that anyones reading these let alone actually commenting on them hahaha..

but yeah. I am awesome. thankyou :)

I am in deep. pretty deep. gotta sort some stuff out and get organised.  gotta start work and get into classes and ring students. maybe once i do that I’ll be in a better routine and then…jeez. gotta pay rent somehow argh!

allie. haha

Writing Histories

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If I’m going to write histories…I can’t be PC. I just have to go hard and say whatever i want..well kind of.

Just thought that coz I started reading Ranginui Walker again.. and him, jamie belich and MK always write what they have on their mind at the time…and I guess I should be brash.

Really enjoyed my class today…new opportunities coming my way. Yay life haha.

Changes

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New Flatmate, new honours classes, new ideas.

I really can’t wait to start the next semester. Theres going to be so many new oppourtunities coming my way. So why shouldnt I be excited?

Ed Byrne. :)

Am allowed to remember good memories. and I’m allowed to be sad about whats happened over the past few years. Its ok. But, I need to move on. and be happy. on my own terms.

:) xoxoxox

Moving On.

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So, I was going to start this whole post off with my plans for tomorrow. But, as it turns out, I started reading majulahsingapura’s blog and it was pretty awesome. So, I commented, and we shall see what she decides to do.

Reading it though..and after I made my comment, gave me some sort of new breath, or new idea, or new something. new life maybe? I’m moving on. I’m going to be happy, this much I know already. So far, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was coping with everything quite well to be honest. and then. somehow. after the dramas of this weekend. feel “pretty darn hard done by” and I want to make amends. I want to grow old with my favourite people. I want to live my life the way I want to live it, and for once do it my way.

I will no longer put up with people “shitting on me” as mum says, which she means not to let people walk over you or treat you badly… and to be honest. its about time I stood up for myself… after telling majulahsingapura to do it. well. I should do it myself.

No more worrying about things that happened in the past. It cant hurt me anymore. It can only hurt me if I let it. And I really dont wanna feel that pain anymore. It hurts too much. I want to live stress-free, something which I feel I am going to be constantly in and out of battles with. It doesnt seem that easy.

I want to have my own house, be my own landlord. I’m sick of this shitty landlord. This is the first time I’ve ever really had a bad one. I’ve had really good ones, concerned ones, ones who dont care and just leave us alone to do our own thing, but never a bad one. Maybe I’ve been lucky so far.

Haha. Yeah right. Anyway.

I figure that if I want good things to happen in my life I have to do something about it. I cant just sit around hoping that the things I want in life will come my way, because that just doesnt happen. I need to get out there, enjoy life, catch up on what I’ve missed in the past two years, whats been happening, catch up with old friends, meet new ones, enjoy the simple things in life like I used to.

I’ve always been the same me. I realised that the other day. I just never gave myself the opportunity to let me be that person. I like getting up in the morning and turning my radio on. I like listening to crazy music and jumping around in the living room, and if not the living room, then my own room works fine.

I love going for long walks. Especially by myself because at least then I can order my thoughts and think clearly, and I always know Im listening to myself. Its okay to be lonely. well. to be alone sometimes. It’s healthy to a degree. But people are always so near that you cant ever be truly alone…unless you live out in the bush or something…

I miss spending time with my family. I gave it all up for him. and I shouldnt have. He wasnt worth it. I loved him so damn much, and it never really got me anywhere, except with a broken heart.

I’m a little dissapointed that the kids arent coming up these holidays, but that will be ok. I will just chill out with Crystel and hang out on Facebook haha. and get myself organised for a jam packed B semester.

One more week of holidays. So much to organise tomorrow.

  • Have to hand in my applications for the wananga and for Teaching
  • Have to ring Tainui and find out whether they will still take my application
  • Have to ring studylink and finalise details with my student allowance and find out if I get paid on tuesday
  • Have a meeting with Amber and Moira tomorrow at the WSU at 1.30 pm
  • Have to pick sarah and lucy up from the airport at 12.30 am
  • Have to clean my room, the car and the kitchen and lounge and bathroom for crystel to come over on tuesday

I really want to move on. I wont ever get over everything thats happened. Not properly. I’ll always be a little damaged. But damaged goods are still good! In fact, theyre most porbably better, because we know how to deal with bad situations, and often have good advice, because we’ve been there.

Life can continue happily. With goals, and plans and new happy choices.

I’m proud of myself. I made it through the semester. and I did it all by myself. I’m really very proud of myself. I graduate in October and am starting my honours in a week. Seems like every time something life changing happens I start a new blog. Thats interesting!

Love always. xoxoxoxoxoxox

allie :)