It annoys me that I can go from talking about love one moment, to being completely angry about everything thats happened again. seriously.
im still re-acquainting myself with myself and how things are in the real world, since i was out of it, in my own little dream world for so long with him…our own little world.
but now that im out, i see clearer, and i can understand….not everyone cares. some people wouldnt help someoe out if they were dying..some people wouldnt risk their life for someone elses. and perhaps i should say its not their fault…but to be honest, they suck. and theyre not good people.
I’ve been thinking for a while that I should write a book, and I cant quite remember if i mentioned that in the beginning, but yes…I’m going to. to help people undertand how to be better people. to understand me and what ive been through, so that i can try and explain, what cant really be explained which is why no-one can possibly ever understand me, because there is no real way of explaining it, unless you’ve been through it all yourself, except even then, people dont know, or cant comprehend why you think like that, why you say things and why you do things a particular way.
I wish it were as simple as laying out the truth for everyone.
I know what I did. I know what he did. I know what she did.
There may be some confusion and grey parts, but im sure if I talked to the right people they’d tell me what I wanted. Though I dont specifically want to know because it just makes me sick.
I wish people wouldnt go back on their word. That they would truly say what they meant and stuck to it.
Words mean alot to me. Actions too. Im a history and english major. Im a person.
If you’re going to talk about specific topics with me, i keep secrets. I wont tell anyone. Some people get scared and run away, scared I will say something. But no, I dont. The only thing i tell people about is myself and my issues, because if I didnt talk about it I’d be … well… to be mild, I’d be screwed.
If your going to tell me something huge, and life changing, dont go back on your word…dont break that trust you (fought?) tried? …got back … so hard…for.
Dont break my heart into a million little pieces and then stick around just to make sure theyre really trampled with.. is that what you wanted? to make me feel so unbelievably worthless that I’d start believing that horrid lady …the ‘counsellor’ (though I’m pretty sure she got her degree out of a cereal box) … so that you wouldnt feel like such an …idiot…and arsehole, like what you did was actually true.
damnit. there is so much pain, anger and hurt and broken trust inside me, but instead of breaking down and falling, I try to stand up…brush myself off, and start each day as if its the last day… and maybe it is..for all we know. but. theres no point in breaking down, because I want to be happy. He could never give me that. Only I can give it to myself.
This much I know for certain.
Life is nothing like a bunch of chocolates…because all chocolates are good. its more like something else which i cant quite put an analogy to…
Life was so much simpler when we were little, though they were still dramatic, and felt life threatening at the time..but now..jeez. take each day as it comes, smile when the sun comes out again, embrace the falling raindrops, live another day.
Allie