Scary Shakes

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We were in the library the other day…down the basement… and me and gaz were getting books…obviously and we started freaking out that there was a mini earthquake going on… we got out of there eventually…but it was pretty damn scary!

and then…last wednesday. Al casual and brave..I saw him. and stopped and talked to him. my god. I was bloody proud of myself afterwards … scared and shaky…but I did it. and no amount of records I used to want will make me want to start talking to him again. talk about emotional blackmail for you. seriously! :) but been good so far lately anyways.

Just thought I’d Say hi.

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Had a mini melt down. not too bad. am ok, and back onto the designated path. :) more importantly, am allocating myself some down time. to read a real book for once. not some history or english designated “have to read” books… but a good, relaxing book to read before sleeping. and so. I’m about to do it. hopefully I dont fall asleep before i get into the first couple of pages.

also. the trip up to the Waikato Hospital was awesome today. their gudex library was amazing…and the medical objects were as creepy as I thought they’d be, but were definately displayed differently than I though they would be. so thats cool am looking forward to my interview with peter rothwell if he’ll do it with me,
and of course, the one with A. :) ethics and all :)

of course, I have to get on to my actual research due next week…but yeah. thought I’d say hi to everyone :) xoxox. and goodnight. am so excited to read a real book. yay! night! :)

Chloe.

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This is for chloe…coz other han Kay who actually has a blog on here…shes the only one who’s read my blog and comments it. so thanks love! :) hope everything is going awesome for you and that things are great and yeah :)

 

love ya long time! :) Allie

Food For Thought

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Here’s something for you. Copy and paste this as a comment, and answer between the lines as to what your reaction is.

A man pushed another guy off a bridge.

Oh stink Bro! haha

The guy who fell had been holding up traffic on the bridge for 6 hours.

random! what a retard

He’d held it up by threatening to commit suicide.

oh. :s

This was in China.

okay?

The man who pushed, was terribly late for delivering goods and would lose his job otherwise.

he still shouldnt have pushed him off.

The police were there, and saw it all.

the police dont do shit… most of the time.

The man who pushed is now in prison.

oh? that serious?

The man who fell landed on an inflated emergency trampoline net thing, and sustained a few bruises.

oh. well. thats not too bad then. thought he’d died. but still.

Funny how much we can assume if we don’t know the full story, huh?

Karma and Murphy’s Law

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I think I like Karma alot. coz, in theory I’m a good person, I have good morals and thoughts about how I do things, and well. to tell the truth, I’ve done some shit things in my time, but I’ve had plenty of shit things done to me of late. I’m not sure whether its been karma…but on the other hand, maybe theyre just things I needed to go through to know and learn about myself and the world.

Its quite sad really. but. now that I’m single, and looking more gorgeous every day I must add ;) I look at dudes and wonder how much shit I went through. Like seriously. I would never wish that on anyone. Well. no. I wouldnt. because its just…it sucks to the extreme.

If I think a guy is hot, gorgeous or beautiful, damnit I’m gonna say so. If im interested in someone, most of the time theyre not interested, or they just dont know…lol more than likely theyve got no clue, which works good, coz I’m going off of Kelly’s wonderful plan of having crushes.

Only problem is when they are too close, ie, workmates, flatmates, bestmates, colleagues…hmm. and so yeah. kinda sucks. but its ok. coz its not like I’m looking for anything. In fact the idea of being with anyone scares the shit out of me! haha. Mainly because I put so much effort into the last relationship. four monthsish later, and I’m still healing. I’m gonna have some pretty heavy scars. but. As I said, Karma put it this way I think. You learn what you need to.

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So It Seems Like I Actually Have Something To Say…

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I ummed and arhhed and well… to be perfectly honest, I just cant stop myself from saying this, which means it truly must be said.

one day, when I’m much older, I may regret being so open about all of this, but if I hadnt have been open in the past, I would have been much more screwed up than I am now. So there.

But for freaks sake. If anyone comes to me like his damned sister and says, well, you took him back, it must not have been that bad. well. you know what? it bloody well was. and at the time I may had needed to forgive him…or thought that I had…but no… I havent. not really. He will always be reaping the consequences of what he did to me that night. and I hate… yeah…I guess. hates strong, but it works for right now…damnit I cared so much about them both, and now I despise both of them to their uttermost core of their entire existence. They are worth less than me than the most sludgyness of sludge under the dirt under my shoes. I would spit on them. I’m not normally a horrible person, but combined, and apart, they both do an incredibly unkind service to me, and if I was in shakespearean times, I would SO bite my thumb at them.

They’re not worth it. I’m better than them, better than that, not going to fall back into that damn trap!

I’m moving on, finding my way. and you know what? I’ve neve been happier. not ever did he ever make me an ounce of happy as I am now without him. and no way in hell do you need to put so much effort into being friends. it should come naturally…and if it doesnt, wel it was never meant to be. ever. i wish them both exactly what they wished for themselves, just as I am going to be happy. with the knowledge that I am now able to make my own self happy and I’m glad. its a good step.

Screw them both. they deserve whats coming to them. Karma. shes a good friend of mine. theyre gonna have fun with her.

 

allie. xoxoxox

Identity Crisis

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I’ve always seen myself as me. A girl who was brought up with knowing about her heritage and her whakapapa. I’m of maori anf french descent, and consider myself as being a strong and straight up person about who I am.

I am now realizing that people judge me the minute they meet me. It sucks, but this is what they do.

I had initial worries about this when I was considering whether or not I was going to do oral histories, mainly of maori people. Theres a whole lot of ethical and moral issues about this that I wont go into right now about this, which led me to the decision that I am who I am, and people will judge me no matter who I try to percieve myself as being.

I get that. Well, I thought I did.

At the moment, I’m a kaiawhina as I study at Uni. I love my uni. Not many univeristies have maori signposts under the english ones around I’m told. To me, thats just something normal and expected. I expect the bi-multi0lingual status we have here at Waikato. It’s refreshing, and its how things are done.

As a kaiawhina, I help out maori students who are enrolled in history and english papers that I’ve taken myself, throughout my degree.

Now that I’m finished my degree YAY! I am able to focus on my honours and graduate level papers, which I’m enjoying immensely.

But back to being a kaiawhina. As a kaiawhina, each and every new semester I have to go into peoples classes and introduce myself. Over the semester I email, and ring them all up to let them know about upcoming assignments, events we are planning and just to see how theyre doing throughout the semester.

Its like the second or third week in to semester already…I think. and already I’ve been in to most of the classes I’m going to be taking care of this semester.

Instantly, when I walk in…I’m being judged. Heres some girl. Whys she here? Whats kaupapa mean? why is she singling out maori students? shes a pakeha chick etc etc etc.

Now heres my dilemma. I have some scripted things I have to say when I go into these classes, like how we are primarily here to help maori students and so therefore it makes sense that I only have the maori students email addresses.

Alot of the people who see and judge me want to know where I’m coming from. Who I am etc.

I just want to help students. I love and am very passionate about history and english, and just want students to get the most out of their degree. If I can help in some way, then all the better aye!

I obviously will help any student who needs my help. They just have to come up to my office! when I’m in haha :) but its not hard to flick me an email or something.

 

anyways. thats my rant for now.  I’m just a pakeha looking girl with a big ole hearty maori heart :) and it sucks when people look down at me for any reason. so damn hard to be accepted for who I am and for I want to be seen as being :)

Wasting Time When I Have Better Things to Do OR Should Be Doing Something More Creative or Worth Something!

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So. The title may not mean much, but it actually does. This is a really long post. Feel free to read on. It’s mostly about money and flatting and uni and my last two years. Hmmm. It is actually slightly insightful haha :) if anyone needs to know how to live off 20 cents, they should read this :)

Allie xoxox

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